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Batman (Thomas Wayne) vs. The Comedian
Batman (Thomas Wayne) vs. The Comedian is a What-If? Death Battle by I'm Lynda. It features Batman (Thomas Wayne) from the Flashpoint Timeline of DC Comics, and The Comedian from the Watchmen series of DC Comics. Description Some people want something out of life, and they wait for it to happen. But, these two men take life by the neck, and beat the living crap out of it to get what they want! Interlude Boomstick: Grandma Boomstick had an expression that she was really fond of. It said, “when life serves you lemons, just shut up and eat the damn lemons!” These two men have a different philosophy. When life served them lemons, they decided to kill whoever was responsible. Wiz: The first man is Thomas Wayne, who decided that the best way to end crime was to kill criminals. Boomstick: And then there’s Edward Blake, who decided that life was a horrible joke, so you might as well just kick the crap out of it. Wiz: I’m Wiz, and he’s Boomstick. Boomstick: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle. Batman (Thomas Wayne) Wiz: When the Flash decided to go back in time, and prevent his mother from being murdered, he inadvertently shattered time, creating an entirely new and very different timeline. Boomstick: In this new timeline, when the Wayne family stepped into that fateful alley, and was confronted by a lone gunman, it was young Bruce Wayne that ended up assuming room temperature. Wiz: Thomas Wayne changed that day. Instead of being the philanthropic saint that he had been, he became a hooded vigilante who was determined to make criminals pay for their deeds. Boomstick: But, unlike some vigilantes, instead of taking them off to prison, he preferred to end their lives of crime permanently, often by chucking them off of very tall buildings. And it worked beautifully; there was no recidivism, no relapses, and no hung juries. They were 100% deterred from ever committing another crime. Wiz: Before the night in the dark alley, Thomas had worn a “bat” costume to a costume party, and as such he assumed to alternate persona of “Batman.” Batman is now feared by all of the criminals of Gotham City, and respected by the superheroes of the U.S. Boomstick: Now, unlike the Batman of the normal DC timeline, this Batman is not a walking Swiss Army Knife. He does wear a bat-suit, with a utility belt, but his weapons are much more mundane, including a .45 Colt Automatic, a flashlight, some batarangs, and at least one syringe, with some medicine in it. Heck, we don’t even know how good the armor of the suit is. Wiz: But he is a martial artist. He fought the villain Yo-Yo, warding off her deadly...yo-yos, and succeeded in tossing her off a building. Boomstick: He’s a tough man who has a no holds barred style. Cross him, and you’re likely to find yourself doing a swan dive off a very tall building. The Comedian Wiz: Edward Blake began life on the mean streets of New York City. Becoming a vigilante, he worked to combat crime. Once he used a baseball bat to beat down all of the hoodlums in a bar called, the Bloody Ear. Boomstick: But, Eddie was no knight in shining armor. He stole money from criminals, shook down business owners for “gratitude,” and even sexually assaulted a female member of the “superhero” group he belonged to, the Minutemen. Wiz: Blake, calling himself the Comedian, was kicked out of the Minutemen, so he went to work for the American government, first fighting the Japanese during World War 2, and later working with the FBI. Boomstick: The Comedian was Mr. Fix-It for the U.S. Government. For J. Edgar Hoover, he stopped a fellow Minuteman from publishing a tell-all autobiography. For Jackie Kennedy he murdered Marilyn Monroe. And, for himself he murdered Bobby Kennedy. Wiz: He fought in Vietnam, rescued the American hostages held in Iran, and went around the world causing death and destruction everywhere that the American government want him to. Boomstick: Yep, when it comes to violence, the Comedian is all business. He is an expert at hand-to-hand combat, allowing him to overcome every opponent he ever fought, with the first and final exception being Adrian Veidt, a.k.a. Ozymandias. Wiz: And, with all his black-ops training, Blake is an expert with all military and non-military grade weapons. He’s an excellent marksman, as well as being proficient in killing without being seen to kill. He wears a suit of some sort of armor that protects his torso, and looks pretty impressive. Boomstick: Hell, this guy is so much of a badass, that in the Watchmen Universe he is probably the closest of all of the superheroes to having superpowers...with the exception of Dr. Manhattan, of course. He punched a hole in a brick wall, and took abuse far beyond anything a normal human could have withstood. Heck, even the passing years seemed to have no effect on him. Wiz: He’s bad, all right, but he’s not immortal. When the hero Hooded Justice caught Blake by surprise, he was able to bloody his face, and Adrian Veidt was able to overcome a dispirited Eddie Blake and finally put him away for good. Intermission Wiz: Alright the combatants are set; let’s end this debate once and for all. Boomstick: Its time for a DEATH BATTLE! DEATH BATTLE! Pre-Fight Thomas Wayne stood on the roof of the Gotham City Import-Export Bank, and surveyed the streets below him. The streets were quiet tonight, too quiet. Judge Harvey Dent wanted more action against criminals, and Batman did not want to disappoint him. Batman leaned on a gargoyle, and looked down. It was from this very spot that he had dropped a crooked alderman to his death. The man had been helping the Scarecrow, for a very healthy bribe. “Let me go,” the man had begged, so Batman had let him go. He could still hear the crunch as the man’s body hit the pavement. A smile flitted across Thomas Wayne’s face. Suddenly, the silence was broken by a click. Batnan spun around, and dropped into a fighting stance. He looked and saw the face of a man lighting a cigar. He was standing in the pool of darkness cast by a shack on the building’s roof. Batman wondered how long the man had been there. The man snapped his lighter closed, and then took a long drag on the cigar. The end of the cigar glowed redly in the darkness, showing the man’s location. Batman relaxed and stood erect, his large frame giving him an even more menacing appearance. Whoever this man was, he wasn’t attacking...at least yet. He watched the red glow move away from the man’s mouth, and down to his side. “Those things will kill you,” Batman advised in his rich, bass voice. The Comedian barked out a laugh, and then stepped forward into the limited light atop the building. “We all die of something. But some of us just die sooner than others,” he announced smiling. “So,” Batman asked, “is someone going to die tonight?” The comedian raised his cigar to his mouth, and took a long drag. He held the smoke in his lungs for a while, and then blew it towards Batman. “It seems likely,” he conceded. “I was sent to Gotham to look for a vigilante, someone operating outside the Keene Act. You didn’t really make yourself too hard to find,” the Comedian laughed. Batman scowled at the intruder. “So, you’re with the F.B.I.?” he asked. The Comedian laughed again. “I was, but it was way too restrictive. Now I troubleshoot for the President. You see, he sent me here personally. It seems that you threw one of his friends off the roof here, and he thinks that turnabout is fair play. He says that, 'it's the Chicago way.'” “So, is this where I’m supposed to say, ‘You won’t take me alive, copper?’” Batman asked darkly. The Comedian took a long drag on his cigar, and then tossed it off to the side. He blew out the smoke, and said, “Don’t bother, he doesn’t want you alive anyway,” FIGHT! Quick as a snake, Batman reached into his utility belt, and pulled out two batarangs, and threw them at his opponent. The Comedian spun to avoid the batarangs, with one of them nicking the skin on his upper arm. He cursed and drew his .45 and fired at Batman, squeezing off three rounds. Batman dove for cover, drawing a .45 of his own. The two exchanged gunfire across the roof of the building. The shots echoed and re-echoed across the streets of Gotham, but nobody bothered to investigate. Finally, the Comedian pulled a flashbang from his belt, gripped the ring in his teeth, and pulled the safety pin. He released the safety lever, counted under his breath, and then heaved it at Batman’s hiding place. Batman saw the grenade land, and immediately launched himself to the right. He closed his eyes against the flash, but the explosion left his ears ringing. Instantly, the Comedian was on him. The Comedian landed a solid punch on Batman’s chin, turning his head. Batman spun with the force of the blow, dropping down, and kicking out his legs to take his opponent’s legs out from under him. The Comedian cursed, and rolled along the rooftop, narrowly moving himself away from Batman’s leap. The two men leaped to their feet, and squared off again. Batman charged low into the other man, shoving him backwards, while he showered a series of powerful punches into his stomach. The Comedian roared his defiance back at the cowled man, reared up, and brought his elbows down on his shoulders, dropping him to the ground. Batman shot up from the ground, colliding with his opponent, sending him flying backward. As the Comedian reeled across the roof, he grabbed a derelict television aerial, wrenching it off its mounting. When Batman charged after him, the Comedian raised the aerial and smashed it across the man’s head and shoulder. Batman went down to one knee, and then felt the Comedian crash into him. The two men rolled across the roof, exchanging punches and gouges and knee kicks. The roll was stopped when the two men rolled into a chimney, and the Comedian ended up on top. He lifted himself up, and began punching Batman’s face as hard as he could – once, twice, three time. Suddenly, Batman grabbed his flailing fists, and flipped the Comedian over his head. He sprang to his feet, and drew a hypodermic syringe from his utility belt, and ran towards the other man. The Comedian grabbed the other man’s wrists in his hands, and fought to master him. The two men grunted from the strain, and then the Comedian said through clenched teeth, “Ah-ah-ah. I saw enough of those in the ‘60s. You can keep that one for yourself.” Suddenly, he released Batman’s empty hand, and spun, pulling the other man into a flip. Both men went down, but with the Comedian on top. He took Batman’s arm, and smashed the hand onto the roof, seeking to make him drop the syringe. When it broke under the impact, he smiled to himself. Batman pulled his legs up, and kicked the Comedian away from him. The two men stood, and squared off against each other again. The Comedian smiled, and reached up to wipe some blood from his mouth. “You’re a tough old bird,” he grinned. “I haven’t had this good of a workout in years. It makes the whole joke worthwhile, somehow.” Thomas Wayne narrowed his eyes at his opponent, and spat out, “We don’t like clowns around here. They’re just not funny somehow.” And with that, he shot forward. He punched the Comedian in the stomach, and then again, almost doubling him over. But then the Comedian brought his fist up in an uppercut that snapped Batman’s head back, and then a punch to the stomach. Batman grabbed a batarang from his belt, and jabbed it forward like a knife. The Comedian blocked one jab and then another. “You’re full of surprises,” he barked out with a laugh. Then, Batman lunged in again, connecting. But this time the Comedian turned, causing the batarang to skip along his armor. He grabbed Batman’s head under his right arm, and ran forward, dragging Batman head-first into a chimney. Batman reared back, and kicked the Comedian in the right knee. The man roared in pain, and then punched Batman in the jaw again. He grabbed Batman’s head, and smashed it again into the chimney. Batman staggered back. The Comedian charged in, and showered his torso with punches, pushing him back against a brick wall. He stepped back, and punched Batman’s face once, twice, a third time. Blood began to flow freely from his broken nose. Suddenly, he shot forward, delivering a devastating head butt to the Comedian’s face. Batman leaped and delivered a dropkick, sending the Comedian reeling backwards. He charged up to the other man, who grabbed him, and spat out, “Joke’s on you!” And then he kicked Batman as hard as he could between the legs. He kicked again and again, until he heard the man’s cup crack under the impact. Batman bent at the waist. The Comedian grabbed him, and threw him head first into a short brick wall surrounding the roof. He then grabbed the man, and threw him onto his back. He grabbed Batman’s arm, and then lifted him above his head. “Can you fly?” he asked. “Let’s find out.” And with that, he tossed Batman over the wall, and watched him plummet to the ground. The Comedian smiled at the ugly crunch the man made on impact. K.O.! The Comedian drew a cell phone out of his pocket, pressed a button on it, and put it to his ear. “Hello, Mr. President? I *dropped off* that package you wanted me to. Yeah, 'the Chicago way.' I’m on my way back. Thank you, sir.” With that, he returned his phone to his pocket, drew out a new cigar, and lit it with his lighter. He took a deep drag on the cigar, looked down on the body of Thomas Wayne, and blew smoke down at it. Then, he turned and began to walking away, whistling a happy tune. Results Boomstick: I like a good punch-up, but the ending to that one was a real let-down. Get it? Get it? Wiz: Yes, I got it. These were two very formidable fighters, but the Comedian was the superior opponent. Boomstick: Thomas Wayne Batman was a formidable fighter, using speed to overcome the attacks of the villain Yo-yo, and taking her down. ''' Wiz: But, the Comedian was an excellent fighter, able to take and dish-out a ferocious beating. He was able to easily defeat the heroes the Hooded Justice and Nite Owl, and was able to overcome Ozymandias in their first encounter. Ozymandias had to train to beat the Comedian in their second encounter, and by that time he was the most formidable fighter in his universe, easily dispatching Rorschach and Nite Owl, his universe’s versions of the Question and Batman. '''Boomstick: So, while this Batman was tough, he wasn’t good enough to take the Comedian. He went down, and he went down hard...real hard. Wiz: The winner is the Comedian. Next Time Next time on Death Battle! Watch the fur fly when we bring together someone who protects humans and someone who eats them, when we present Abraham Lincoln (Vampire Hunter) vs. Colonel Ives (Ravenous)! Trivia * Who was the president that the Comedian was talking to? In the Watchman comics, it was Richard Nixon, whereas in the Flashpoint comics, it was Barach Obama. In this story? I guess it’s up to you to decide. Poll How many stars would you rate Batman (Thomas Wayne) vs. The Comedian? 5 stars 4 stars 3 stars 2 stars 1 star Category:What-If? Death Battles Category:I'm Lynda Category:'DC vs. Watchmen' Themed Death Battles Category:'Anti-Hero vs. Villain' Themed Death Battles Category:'Anti-Hero vs Anti-Hero' Themed Death Battles Category:'Vigilantes' themed Death Battles Category:'Comic Books' Themed Death Battles Category:Completed What-If? Death Battles Category:What-If? Death Battles completed in 2018